Initially, I wanted to leave this post blank, but I’ve realised that it’s essential for me to understand myself a little more, and answer some of the few questions which people ask me, in general. These questions are solely related to my behaviour, emotions, and how do I exactly “feel”?
I hate to say this, but whenever I get that sort of questions, it just makes me angry and frustrated from the inside, and I try my best to keep the negativity inside myself till the moment it stops bothering me. It isn’t a day-long process. It happens quickly.
At the moment, there are lots of things I’d like to write about, so I’m not sure what exactly I want to write, but I’ll make an attempt to put my thoughts out of mind. From what I see in myself, I realise that there are two things which I’ve been doing for a long time and I’m so used to it that it doesn’t even bother me anymore. Whenever someone tends not to priorities their feelings, it can act as one of the best ways to escape from emotional burnout, although I wonder if it’s true. To me, this method has always worked like a charm. I’ve never felt like I’m carrying more or less of an emotional burden. I don’t remember if I’ve felt sadness to the point where it started to make me feel like the whole world is against me, or no one can understand my feelings. I keep my actual life away from everyone’s view, and in doing so, I discuss my feelings with myself.
The self-discussion doesn’t make anything easy, as it involves a lot of contradiction, judgement, criticism, agreement, and different elements of argument and discussion that takes place when you’re talking to someone else. I don’t discuss just so that I can agree with myself. I do it for the sake of reasoning, questioning, and understanding what’s bothering me, and what views should be prioritised or put down for the clarity of thoughts. The ultimate goal is to come out or understand the situation that is acting as an element of disturbance or conflict.
In rare cases, I look for a solution, but if a solution is what I’m looking for, then I’m not afraid to take action to detach myself from problem acting as a blood-sucking parasite. I don’t worry about attachments. Any attachment that puts you in a situation from where you feel nothing but discomfort is a disease that needs to be thrown out, at all cost.
To cut off the attachment doesn’t mean you end a relationship. For me, it’s more like taking a step back and thinking about the fondness that I’ve developed so that I can reason or examine myself regarding the elements of that attachment which is hurtful in any way.
Why am I talking about attachment?
To understand the root of most of our miseries, we’ve to realise the core of the problem, and in doing so, you’ll find out that it’s the actions of other people that affect you the most. I’m talking about psychological pain, not physical pain. Although, once you realise that you’re the catalyst that continuously powers the source, you’ll at least stop blaming others for the uneasiness you create in yourself.
When I say “attachment hurts” - I also mean the expectation. The word has hundreds of layers, but “expectation” is most important of them.
If we look closely, we can see how “expectation”, “pain” and “attachment” are related to each other. One can not exist without another. In the chain of numerous byproducts of attachment, pain appears hundreds of times, and expectation comes thousands of times.
Now, again, why am I talking about attachment?
To learn how does one feels about certain things, he has to understand how much attached he is to the thought of it. Of course, we can not measure the amount but can get the sense of it just by thinking.
I’m not saying attachment is a bad thing, neither I’m pivoting its meaning to anything for the sake of proving my point, but over the time, we’re getting lonelier; therefore, we seek for everything that should come to us naturally. And in doing so, we give birth to the expectation, which is an element that helps you to create an image of yourself, and that image has multiple demands which need to be satisfied.
For example, suppose you say “I love you” to your partner, now, unintentionally, over time you’ve created an image of yourself that needs “I love you, too” in return. When, for any reason, you get a different response, you overthink about the situation. The ego of your image which needed “I love you, too” wants that specific answer, and that “wanting” acts as a foundation for uneasiness which takes different form over time.
So, how do I feel?
I’m relieved to say that I’m aware of most of the emotions I’m feeling, and I know the consequences of feeling too much or too little. I don’t carry a lot of emotional baggage, and I find genuinely unnecessary for me to discuss my feelings with people. The words create no impact, no change, and bring no value, in any form. It’s not that I’m concerned whether talking about my feelings mostly regarding my personal life will be valued, or people will form a poor judgement, it’s that such things predominantly involve discussing other human beings from your past. I don’t want to live in the past, so why do I have to go there? What am I going to find? What void it’s going to fill if there’s any? What will change if I discuss my past?
My past belongs to me, and I use it as something to measure my current actions. It helps me to understand the consequences of my actions. It helps me to value the present, but I’m not affected by my past, unbothered, I should say.
I’m not presenting myself as “holier than thou”, but the more I try to observe what importance certain things hold, the more I’m able to keep myself away from dwelling into the past. I’ve talked about people, cursed them, got bitter because of constant judgement, hated so many of them, felt superior because of hatred that I carried…, the list goes on and on. I was a flawed human being without the realization of it, but I’ve never hurt anyone intentionally, and I’d never do that. All these behaviours that I’ve mentioned, I carried them within. The hate, judgement, and anger regarding others were inside me. I’ve hardly projected it towards anyone, except discussing it with one friend, I’ve battled with my thoughts with a cold heart.
I don’t advise people to see things the way I do. Feelings are a big deal. It can hold the universe within or can make you feel like you’re stuck in a void. It’s crucial to find a way so that you can establish a stable bridge between you and your feelings.
What about previous blog posts?
All of my previous blog posts where I’ve talked about life, they are cynical and were written when I was either angry, frustrated, or dissatisfied. I don’t read what I post, but I’m aware of the phases when I wrote them just by looking at the dates.
A lot of things have changed since then, but I’m happy that I put my words here.
What changed? What happened?
- Perspective. Realization.
I’ve always been a little cynical person in the past, mostly bothered by everything or anything. During the morning walk, even the slightest honks bothered me, during the day when I had to go to market, strangers bothered me. On the internet, people’s opinion bothered me. This habit created a sense of superiority, and it took no time for me to call people shallow. I was on the high ground, a little ignorant, a little blunt to pass judgement.
It’s not that I don’t see the flaws anymore, I do, but it doesn’t affect me. If I see something provocative, I take a step back and think about the value which is getting generated due to the provocativeness nature of what I encountered. When I do this, I get to understand the impact it would create, and this gives me a choice to ignore it.
The judgement that I carry, it now comes with a question of “Why I’ve defined a set of opinions regarding someone? Is it due to what I’ve heard about that person from someone else, or the intentions I sense from their words?” In all cases, it makes me think, and inquiring takes the place of negativity, helping me maintain a healthy amount of distance from projecting my opinion.
I’m not free from my cynical nature. It’s still there, but it’s at peace. I don’t see any reason to bring it out, and I’ll try my best not to do it. I feel like I don’t even have to try now.
Although I have got a lot of things to write, I’ll stop now. The “state of mind” can not be discussed in a single post, but I’ll try to write more often regarding things which are either meaningful to me or put some impact on my perspective.